Excerpts from a Diary

How to Fall Gracefully

If you have surpassed the age of 3, then falling is unnatural. The embarrassment will be overwhelming and there will be spectators. Your only defense is to have a plan of action to follow if you somehow find yourself prey to gravity.

Be prepared. I know that this is not a concept that is easily understood but bear with me.

Don’t fight it. Acknowledge defeat and the absence of hope that you can avoid crumpling into a mangled pile of limbs in the middle of your high school gymnasium.

Choose a landing strip. Quickly calculate where the most suitable place to land is and maneuver to ensure a successful fall. Some twisting involved but no athlete ability is required

Avoid screaming. Unless, of course, you are on a flight of stairs and you must warn the people below that you are coming or you are plunging to a certain death from a cliff and dramatic effect is necessary. Remember: The point of falling is to avoid a scene and surrender to quietly gravity.

Keep you ego in check. Have fun with your own clumsiness and if you can, laugh it off. The idea is not to pretend like you enjoy your social plummet but realize that on some level it is funny and if you were the friend offering a hand to your fallen comrade you would be busting at the seams too. If it hurts then by all means play victim. It is never too late to find you knight in shining armor.

Avoid serious injury. This may be difficult depending on where Mother Nature decided to take you down.

1. Is there anyone else nearby that you can take with you to cushion the fall?
   
2. Are you able to drop and roll?
   
3. Is there anything that you can grab on to while you fall – yes, another person is acceptable – see point 6a
   
4. Dump any cargo that you maybe carrying so that you landing area is clear once you have descended. Babies are not cargo. If you are carrying a child use your own body as a shield and risk everything to save the child.

Assess the damage. Once you have successfully completed your flop, conduct a systems check.

Damage control. So you are not sure whether or not your dignity is still intact, you can always say you tripped and threaten to sue. It is not the most gracious of techniques but it sobers spectators up quickly and puts you back on the social ladder you just plunged off of.

Maintain your dignity. As you struggle off the floor grasping the hand extending to you, wait until you are in an upright position then straighten your clothing. As an onlooker to help you retrieve your belongings that are scattered all over the floor. Groan at the mess, you need all of the sympathy that you can get.

Avoid eye contact until you are safely in your cubicle, locker or car and sob violently by yourself. Your social life is in shreds and it will be three months until you live it down. Unless you are in high school and then you may never live it down.

When you have gathered enough nerve to venture back into public, if you are stuck in your locker you should wait until classes change to venture out. Despite all efforts you will overhear gossip about your epic fall, so come right out and ask the first friend that you find “Was it really that bad?” As they lie to you face, retreat slowly, backing away glancing frantically over your shoulder at passersby knowing that they know what you are talking about. Walk away and find a real friend. One that will laugh openly and tell you that you will get over it.

If you have managed to live through this ordeal – without injury, know that you will get over this. You will never forget it and yes it will happen again.

Some time, some place when you least expect it, gravity will strike again.

posted by Onika @ 12:59 PM