Excerpts from a Diary

How to Get Rid of Unwanted Guests

Let us first assume that we are not talking about mice, cockroaches, grasshoppers, frogs or any of the other 4, 6, 20-legged creatures that venture into our habitat on a daily basis, to be found months later gnarled and dried in the back of the loveseat in the den.

We are talking about human beings that have ventured into our homes, often times unannounced and expecting to be fed from the door. They are the ones the neglect to wipe their feet at the front door, the ones that come empty-handed to the housewarming, bridal shower and collectively buy cards for you at Christmas with a note that says "From All of Us".

These are the people you installed caller ID for.

But once they have infiltrated your home, you feel powerless. It is easier to pretend not be at home when they come calling. It is always much easier to drive past them and pretend that you did not notice their frenzied waving and shouting from across the street. But once inside your domain, they become parasitic.

But even before you should worry about how you will extract them from your domicile, you must ponder on the following questions.

1. How many of them are there?
2. Are they friends or relatives? Not to be confused with family, who impose on you by right.
3. A relative is the second cousin of your mother that you can never recall until she reminds you. "You remember me right? Melinda's sister?...On your mother's side...From your niece's wedding two years ago?"
4. Based on their track record, how long are they estimated to stay?
5. This is a tricky question and although relevant in determing how far you are willing to go to get rid of them it might be just your luck to under-estimate their callous this one time and be stuck with an ex-roommate for three months.
6. How far are you willing to go? Court proceedings might be in order at some point!

Let's assume that your guests are friends...correction, acquaintances, friend's know better (or at least we hope so). Let's assume they are neighbors that you socialize with once in a blue moon.

posted by Onika @ 3:49 PM