On the Fucking Edge...Over that Goddamn side!
I have been away for a while, mainly because life got a lot tougher and I needed a break.The following is an email I sent to my bestfriend-buddy-boyfriend today about situation that went down outside his place. If you were there you would have probably missed it, but you guys are intelligent I should give you a whole lot more credit.
THE SITUATION:
On the advice of an old advisor (or current) I put my ass in gear this week and start "actively" researching becoming certified as a teacher. Brace yourselves Newark! I have been pretty low key all day and I figured that I would ask a "friend" to get me the application a few streets away from his school for me. He does and calls me with the news that it is not what I wanted. I am really disappointed of course cause he does not call me when he is at the office but when he is back at his place rushing out again. So I make plans to come over after work and pick up the information that he has gotten.
I am still in my quiet mood and I make my way (after an hour's commute) to his place to get it.
Please bear in mind that my dad died a few months ago, I have not moved one inch academically, financially, or emotionally since then and I am just drained and just trying to amp myself up to get going again.
I get to his place and after making me wait he come out and says "I can't deal with this anymore?", "I don't like being around you, its not fun", "Don't take this the wrong way but you are always in a bad mood or depressed". General kicking my teeth in type shit!
So at first I am standing there speechless I feel myself just drop a few notches. I am quite sure my face fell off. And I just look at him. Like really look at him. I have depressed lately, but aren't my friends (especially my bestfriend) supposed to be there with open arms? I just kind looked at him for a long time and then attempted to mount a defense bundled my shit and bid him a hasty farewell. I had to go off to find my face.
I jsut wanted to bash his face in. Like stab him in the eye. I felt like all the times that I had defended our friendship was simply stupidity on my part and if this is what it had boiled down to I had to get out. This is worst that having an abusive mate, that shit you expect after a while but this sneak attack was scary.
So I got home and as I always do when shit like this happens to me I relive for a few hours and write a long letter to the problem party.
Here is the email: Trust me my first draft was a little more raw.
THE EMAIL:
M_______, I am sorry I left so abruptly today. I figured that with the way the conversation was going it was not worth hanging around, not if it meant getting into an agrument about something I can't help or fix at the moment.
I don't know how this works but generally if a person is perceived as being depressed or unhappy about something, isn't the first line of greeting more along the lines of concern for the person? I would hope that that would be the greeting that I would have gotten from you if I did seem to be depressed. Instead, "I don't want to deal with this from you" and "It's not fun to be around you anymore" is what I get with a little side of "don't take this the wrong way". I love you a lot, but today was just another example at how "fucked up" this relationship has gotten.
I was hurt and upset when I left the dorms this afternoon, because for the first time in a while I felt like I was getting my shit together and I was feeling quiet inside and when I swung by just to pickup a few things I get slapped with this. I wasn't stressed when I saw you. I was a little preoccupied and looking forward to lounging around at home (the kids are all away this evening) but instead I spent my time replaying what can only be the most insensative thing you have said to me to date.
Why is it that I am equipped to field 4am-phone calls about erectile disfunction, hug you when you are having a tough time with your mom, worry about your classes with you, talk about the would-be girlfriends/fuckbuddy and friends and be your uninhibited-always-accessible-fuck but when I have a problem it is when you are in the mood to deal with it, when it is not throwing off your day, if you don't have something better to do? How come I don't get to say all the things I want to say to my best friend about the stuff that is happening in my life - men, death and job without feeling like you don't what to hear this again. Despite your well-vocalized opinon Mark you are not my only friend but you are the only best friend I have - I am however prepared to let you go if this is "just too much for you."
My problems are anthills and sometimes in my paranoia to simply feel better about my situation they grow into mountains, your job is to help me put it in perspective. Kind of like what I do for you. I am not asking you to make this all better or have the solution, but for my sake if I ever am stupid enough to broach the topic of my life, men or problems with you, at least "pretend" that you can be there for me, even if it is just to stand beside me silently.
I had to walk away from you today cause I looked at you for the first time without my rose colored glasses of hope, potential and love. I was disappointed that the only thing that really tore down my self confidence today was you. Oh, and before you roll your eyes and pronounce me melodramatic, understand that I am being honest with you. I thought of being really hurtful and mean and come out of my face to tear you down but I figured that it isn't that kind of a situation - and I would be right or fair to do that. This is one of those I-can-do-bad-all-by-myself moments. I am not asking that you support me but be supportive of me, and don't be half assed about it.
I finally got mad about this whole thing when I looked up and noticed my whole day had gone by and I did not accomplish any of the small goals I had set for myself when I came home. This has really become about what M_________ is equipped to handle, what M________ wants to deal with. Jesus, just put the Onika-do-not-do's on a list and will make sure to address it before consulting with you. I have been your friend over the past three years (or more) with not reservations about what I would do for you, even when those things made me uncomfortable or unhappy. I have always felt like I could demand the same from you and three years later I am finding that I am not the exception to the rule as you are with me and my censored status is a lot stricter than I thought.
I am certain in my own fuck up way I have contributed a hundred-fold to this situation. I don't know how although I am certain you will tell me.
I am certain that I have never pushed you away like you did to me today, or made you feel small and unwelcome. I can be a bitch, I have worked hard at cultivating an attitude that I curb only for you, but I have opened myself up to some shit that my stomach just can't handle at the moment. I have brought it back to the kitchen to confront the chef.
I have had to deal with a lot of shit that I have never come up against these past few months, I am still working some of my own kinks out and making up my mind as to how to deal with a whole host of others that have come up (I don't share everything with you, as I am sure you don't with me) so believe me when I say that there are a few other things under my carpet that I am still worrying about and working out.
This email has gotten way to long and I am just going to leave this be. I expect you to call or write back, something, I think I am owed at least that much.
So do I resist the urge and attempt to patch this shit up or do I jump ship?
posted by Onika @ 9:14 PM
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