Excerpts from a Diary

Stabbing you in the Eye!

I had this huge fight with my bestfriend today!

And sparing you the gruesome details I was the one in the wrong. There was a "Fuck you" in there that I threw out that I should not have. It was like throwing a boulder into a pond. I could feel him recoil on this side of the screen - we were arguing over the internet (which seems really dumb to me as I see it in print - it feels like we did this in person).

Like I really let him have it. I unleashed on his ass, and then when I was questioned about it I felt small cause I was never really upset about the actual problem but all the other problems that had led up to it.

You know when a couple is happily married they overlook some of the shit the other person does in "love" until they cross the line and you let them really have it but it is lke a screaming match for all the other screaming matches you avoided for all the other shit that they did.

He said that I seemed really unhappy in our relationship but if I were to be asked I would have said that we have never been better. But that is the way I make him feel. Like he is never doing anything right, that his efforts are never good enough. I treat him like we are in a this relationship that even I don't know all the rules for. He is constantly trying to keep up with this evolving "unhappiness" that I have swiming me.

I think I am a "relationship martyr". I am the victim and the innocent party at all times. I cry my woes from the torture stake of misunderstandings and miscommunications and once the apologizes have been issued I can ascend to my comfort zone.

He is about to leave for another school and I feel a little abandoned.
I feel really badly that it all went so badly.

Does an apology really work after you flip someone off?

posted by Onika @ 11:09 PM