How to Get Rid of Unwanted Guests
Let us first assume that we are not talking about mice, cockroaches, grasshoppers, frogs or any of the other 4, 6, 20-legged creatures that venture into our habitat on a daily basis, to be found months later gnarled and dried in the back of the loveseat in the den.
We are talking about human beings that have ventured into our homes, often times unannounced and expecting to be fed from the door. They are the ones the neglect to wipe their feet at the front door, the ones that come empty-handed to the housewarming, bridal shower and collectively buy cards for you at Christmas with a note that says "From All of Us".
These are the people you installed caller ID for.
But once they have infiltrated your home, you feel powerless. It is easier to pretend not be at home when they come calling. It is always much easier to drive past them and pretend that you did not notice their frenzied waving and shouting from across the street. But once inside your domain, they become parasitic.
But even before you should worry about how you will extract them from your domicile, you must ponder on the following questions.
- How many of them are there?
- Are they friends or relatives? Not to be confused with family, who impose on you by right.
- A relative is the second cousin of your mother that you can never recall until she reminds you. "You remember me right? Melinda's sister?...On your mother's side...From your niece's wedding two years ago?"
- Based on their track record, how long are they estimated to stay?
- This is a tricky question and although relevant in determing how far you are willing to go to get rid of them it might be just your luck to under-estimate their callous this one time and be stuck with an ex-roommate for three months.
- How far are you willing to go? Court proceedings might be in order at some point!
Let's assume that your guests are friends...correction, acquaintances, friend's know better (or at least we hope so). Let's assume they are neighbors that you socialize with once in a blue moon.
How to Cope with a Menial Job!
You and everyone that knows you and loves you enough to tolerate your endless tirades about how much you hate your job and the meaningless existence you have come to accept as your life, knows that you only took the job to pay the bills, and as soon as you find something else you will be the first one out of the door. So for the next three years, or until you find that executive spot in the Fortune 500 company of your dreams, these guidelines should serve as your holy grail in Coping with Your Menial Job.
- Put aside thoughts of mass killings and suicide. Court, settlement and funeral costs will be too high a price to pay for your mood swings. Going postal on your co-workers will not make up for the years of debt that your family will experience after your rampage.
- Remove and destroy your check record book. There is no reason why you should remain yourself on a daily basis of how broke you are. At this point you are and will always be in debt and a little reckless spending is in order.
- If your spouse/live-in girlfriend/boyfriend or baby mama (no, the one you live with) makes more money that you do. Re-evaluate the direction that your relationship(s) has taken in the past few months. If you perceive that there is/will be/couldn’t possibly be future in it then move out and back in with your mother, and file for alimony, palimony or back rent.
- Start selling office supplies on Ebay. Now, how you come by said office supplies are strictly up to you.* (see Disclaimer)
- Exhaust sick leave, personal and mental/health days, vacation and bereavement days within the same month. This will take some crafty maneuvering and the convenient death of a close relative. (see Disclaimer)
- Conduct all personal and business calls at the office.
- Purchase a pair of bedroom slippers for the office. If you are going to be unhappy you might as well get comfortable while you do it.
- Convert last drawer of file cabinet to mini bar and indulge at 3 hour intervals.
- Decline office meetings as often as possible, duck out early during conferences and take extended lunch breaks -you may consider adopting a smoking habit to allow yourself that time away from the office as well.
- Hire an assistant. Your job will not appear to be so menial if you have an underling to trample on
Disclaimer: This blogger claims no responsibility for the actions of those viewing this site. Any malicious activity, incidents of aggravated assault, death threats, theft or homicide that result from the content seen on this blog can not be attributed to the author in any way!
How to Fall Gracefully
If you have surpassed the age of 3, then falling is unnatural. The embarrassment
will be overwhelming and there
will be spectators. Your only defense is to have a plan of action to follow if you somehow find yourself prey to gravity.
Be prepared. I know that this is not a concept that is easily understood but bear with me.
Don’t fight it. Acknowledge defeat and the absence of hope that you can avoid crumpling into a mangled pile of limbs in the middle of your high school gymnasium.
Choose a landing strip. Quickly calculate where the most suitable place to land is and maneuver to ensure a successful fall. Some twisting involved but no athlete ability is required
Avoid screaming. Unless, of course, you are on a flight of stairs and you must warn the people below that you are coming or you are plunging to a certain death from a cliff and dramatic effect is necessary. Remember: The point of falling is to avoid a scene and surrender to quietly gravity.
Keep you ego in check. Have fun with your own clumsiness and if you can, laugh it off. The idea is not to pretend like you enjoy your social plummet but realize that on some level it is funny and if you were the friend offering a hand to your fallen comrade you would be busting at the seams too. If it hurts then by all means play victim. It is never too late to find you knight in shining armor.
Avoid serious injury. This may be difficult depending on where Mother Nature decided to take you down.
- Is there anyone else nearby that you can take with you to cushion the fall?
- Are you able to drop and roll?
- Is there anything that you can grab on to while you fall – yes, another person is acceptable – see point 6a
- Dump any cargo that you maybe carrying so that you landing area is clear once you have descended. Babies are not cargo. If you are carrying a child use your own body as a shield and risk everything to save the child.
Assess the damage. Once you have successfully completed your flop, conduct a systems check.
Damage control. So you are not sure whether or not your dignity is still intact, you can always say you tripped and threaten to sue. It is not the most gracious of techniques but it sobers spectators up quickly and puts you back on the social ladder you just plunged off of.
Maintain your dignity. As you struggle off the floor grasping the hand extending to you, wait until you are in an upright position then straighten your clothing. As an onlooker to help you retrieve your belongings that are scattered all over the floor. Groan at the mess, you need all of the sympathy that you can get.
Avoid eye contact until you are safely in your cubicle, locker or car and sob violently by yourself. Your social life is in shreds and it will be three months until you live it down. Unless you are in high school and then you may never live it down.
When you have gathered enough nerve to venture back into public, if you are stuck in your locker you should wait until classes change to venture out. Despite all efforts you will overhear gossip about your epic fall, so come right out and ask the first friend that you find “Was it really that bad?” As they lie to you face, retreat slowly, backing away glancing frantically over your shoulder at passersby knowing that they know what you are talking about. Walk away and find a real friend. One that will laugh openly and tell you that you will get over it.
If you have managed to live through this ordeal – without injury, know that you will get over this. You will never forget it and yes it will happen again.
Some time, some place when you least expect it, gravity will strike again.
