This, however means, that I spend as much time occupied in my own way with my own life. I may check in once in a while but I leave them to their devices as much as I can, out of respect for her and him. This time was a little different although the way in which it was eludes me now.
He called to me to collect on a debt. It was fine because we had discussed the week earlier and I was prepared and indeed waiting on him to notify me of his schedule so we could hook up and and I could make the drop! (Too much CIS!)
He texts me the day before, saying "When can I get the money?", my response was coy, "Whenever you find time to come see me" or something to that effect. The idea was he would have to come up to my spot if he wanted it, I was not going to travel all the way out in to nowhere to hand it off! I live in the town that the girlfriend was arriving in, so it all made sense.
His response is what got me. "I am tired of asking for the money, I am beginning to believe that you are never going to pay me back." I reminded him that we spoke about this all last week and we agreed that it would be in cash, the full amount and the time and local would be on him, he is the one traveling. Hmmmm...so he agrees to pick meet me.
Sometime later that day he calls to say that the time we scheduled was not a good one and that he would have to come later. I said I would meet with him, it was half-hearted but I thought it was better than just saying no and seeming like I wasn't available to give him his money.
By the time I am able to drop off the goods I realize that he is coming into town to hang out with all of his friends at the local bar. What gets me, and I don't know if it really just me. Is that everytime he comes into town, he does not let me know that he is coming and if there is an event, no matter the size, I am excluded. It is not like when we were dating or fuckbuddies, and the scenario made it impossible for us not to be close all night, but I have someone that I can bring along. Why can't I be invited out for drinks? It hurt to realize yet again that this was one of the social situations that I was deemed unfit for. It is so weird that MAW justs loves to have me out, but I am Quasimodo my bestfriend.
I was upset and tried to rationalize the reason for not being asked to the party, although it is just getting-drunk-at-the-bar night. I figured it was because his crowd is younger (although by merely a year) than I, or maybe that they were not my type of people, or maybe I embarassed him (although I can't tell you in what way). I have spoken to him on this point already, and it feels and I think MAW is right, I am not that kind of friend in that space. But I never get the fun loving side lately, I hear from him when there is a problem for the most part. I call him with any news and share and invite him to all the events even when he doesn't show. But for the most part, I am his dark day friend. He calls on me when he is depressed or not feeling well, physically ill or in trouble. There are side bars as to the rest of his life but the part I really want to share in is the one where is he smiling.
MAW has advised me not to waste any thought on it. I figured I could not lay this one to bed with myself, until I vented just a little.
It is so one-sided.
That night I opted not to call until he was ready to call me...That was March 28, and he called today to ask if we were fighting. Part of me knows that I should talk to him about this, and the stubborn part of me just wants to walk away from it. Leave it all where it is. I feel there is a definite change in our relationship already. I feel like I am exerting too much effort for too little in return. But what are friends for?
Anyway, laterz.
posted by Onika @ 4:50 PM
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