Whitewash
There are moments in my life when I feel like I am about to SNAP! I can hear the fabric of my sanity tearing and grating, like the sound a rice cake makes when you pinch it between your fingers.
Don't misunderstand me, I am not on the verge of some kind of melt down, nor am I a twitching ball of nerves, although I will admit to experiencing muscle spasms on the left side of my face recently. I am just referring to those moments in your life you look back on in the future and wished you had bitch slapped a couple people.
After hours
It feels like I spend most of my waking moments at work. I get home and there is nothing on tv to watch (mainly cause I am gone during the day and too exhausted at night to find anything) and there is rarely ever anything to eat (unless I cook).
But in all honestly I am working on having a life outside my job (which will remain nameless until I find something better). I have adopted hobbies. "Adopted" meaning stole from someone else because God knows I don't even have time to research interesting things to do with what little free time I do have.
But most of the time I spend staring at the tv screen, channel surfing, cleaning or communiting back and forth from the "job". What else is there to do, that's legal in NJ?
Buddy-Boy-Friend
I figured I would fill this out whilst I could. For the better part of a year I have been experiencing significant blows to my self-confidence. What started off as subtle reminders that “I am not the shit” have evolved into full-fledged notices that “I am not even worth the pound of flesh that I am encased in.
Needless to say, my few bouts with the opposite sex have left a lot more to be desired but explains the near fatal damage my ego and sex life has encounter. Recently, not even an hour ago I was told by my pillow pal that he was no longer interest in my pussy flavor. He would much rather pursue a life of celibacy than have to endure my moaning through the midnight hour.
“So long booty call!”
“Hello, IVIBE!”
I am not even going to going to pretend like men are the root of all evil. Not going to pretend like my self-esteem wasn’t hanging on by a thread and a prayer from the years of neglect and ego-stroking friends and their constant “He don’t know what he is missing out on” hasn’t left me so twisted up that I can’t even wipe my own ass without getting some in my hair.
It isn’t men. Let me be the first on to admit it because even if I were on this planet alone I would find some way to manipulate my own psyche with some BS.
As much as I gripe I have no qualms with any woman that has a pillow pal on the sidelines. But when your “dick on retainer” becomes your permanent fix and your stand-in for the lunch room gossip about “boyfriends” during break there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Although some women like it like that.
I haven’t seen a boyfriend in 3 ½ years, and I would not know what to do with myself if I had one. I am convinced that I am going through a selfish faze that should occupy me for the next three years.
Are women supposed to relinquish, discard or share their porno collection upon entering a “relationship”? Maybe this will be the quandary I offer up to Ricki Lake when she comes one to offer her “sisterly” advice after another one of her well-edited scandals are aired during the week. Better yet, someone call Howard Stern.
Hobbies
I was thinking maybe I should take up singing.
Pilates, sewing, dancing and painting have been all shot to hell so why not invest my time in something equally as useless, unless you are good at it.
Prince Charming
I am expriencing delusions of Prince Charming again. You know, the story of the princess with the frog who turns out to be a Prince. Except in my case, I would be Cinderella, my wicked stepsisters would be the chickenheads on my block. Or like Snow White, surrounded by lots of men but none of them the right one.
I have cut my demands down greatly since my teenage years. It used to list "rich" and "drop-dead-gorgeous", now I would settle for "financially stable" and "clean".
But one thing has not changed. I will not "buy" into a man that abused, used, borrowed or broken. There is no point in investing in a man that has more issues than you, especially when you are
not qualified to fix them.
Baby-Mama-Drama does not go away.
Other than there recurring delusions. I frequently find myself looking at the men in my life, catching glimpses of my fantabulous frog, wishing and hoping for Prince Charming.
Job Search
I am currently job hunting. It is potentially the worst period in a new graduate's life. You spend 4 years, or in my case 5, being convinced in each one of your liberal arts classes that this was the field for you.
Yes! you can go far as an English major. Journalism is the path for you!
What they don't tell you in the midst of Chaucer and Media Ethics is that 2 seconds after graduation you begin to have 2nd and 3rd thoughts about your life choices. Within a week you will be pouring over the Sunday classifieds. It is then you will realize that you are nothing more that a
glorified secretary with no technical experience.
I have been riding on buses back and forth from Montclair and Newark, NJ. Everyday on the same route with the same people, handcuffed to the same job for the past 10 months, in an office filled with women.
I should have been a Theatre major, at least then there would have been more glory in the hustle!
