Excerpts from a Diary

Sole Survivor!

I think it strange when the human mind finds itself in a desperate situation desperate measures have the appeal of salvation.

I jumped, literally jumped, like the last desperate passenger onboard the Titanic, from the horrors of my last job. I leaped and did not ask questions about the possibility of rescue, shark infested waters or rip tides.

So here I am, on a raft which as it turns out, is nothing more than a canoe with no oars, simply floating. No propulsion, no direction, and seemingly no hope. I am at my wits end and I can only guess at what the underlying reason behind my lack of options. I do believe that jumping ship was the best decision that I could have made, any longer a wait would have led unnessary frustration on my part. I could not have made a better decision but I did not know what kind of waters I was getting into, so therein lies my mistake and current problems.

I spoke to one of my old co-workers the other day, she called me up out of the blue just to talk and I was really surprised to hear from her. She had left the same agency I did and had moved onto something that was so much bigger and better than I could have imagined. Everyone was so jealous of her when she left including me. But there she was in this “mega” job making loads of cash and the prospects of going back to school to complete her masters in the horizon. And in one brief moment on the phone I find out that it is all gone. She was talking and she was telling me how happy she was now that and she needs my help in getting her resume out there and I am like “wait, did you leave so-and-so?” She confirms my speculations and I am floored. She wasn’t there a month and she already left. She was my reason for leaving my last job, well she was my encouragement. When I found out that she had left all that I could think is why, and what about me and my new canoe?

She left because the company she went to was even more disorganized than the one she had left. Neither place was to her liking so she left. Without unemployment, without a new job to move to, and she is “happy”. I know that not everyone’s situation is the same and she could have had money in the bank and fully able to take this time off from working but it just set my mind to thinking about my own choices. I had stayed at my last job because it was what other people wanted. They thought I belonged and so I thought I should make a bad situation work. But how can I make a shoe fit that is three sizes to small. I spent 12 months trying to wedge my foot into the narrowminded assumptions and expectations of others. And although I knew in my heart of hearts that is not what I wanted I just had to make it work, cause it was my job to make it work.

It was only when I decided that I was going to leave that I realized that I could walk away and not feel badly about any of it. I could say “kiss my ass” and turn my back, cause there will always be someone else right behing me trying to fill those shoes. But now that I have found this job, I am getting similar reminders that this isn’t the right shoe either, that I may not be at the right shoe store, I may not even be in the right mall. I am just feeling my way through this restless oblivion and trying to pay bills at the same time. Maybe I will learn a few things along the way but in the end, especially if this turns out to be anything like my last job, I may just have to say that it was not worth it. I can’t believe that I am here again, it is not as bad it could be a lot worse but I sure wish it were a whole lot better.

I am doing all this on the company dime of course. There is no better inspiration than an insight reflection of my life. It us 10am in the morning and my employer is out for this part of the day and I am taking advantage of the quiet. The phone has only rung twice since I sat down and hour ago. I wish I were at home with my buddy-boy-friend under the covers right now and watching cartoons.

I was writing this on the bus and it occurred to me (and watch out now this is going to get pretty profound) I can’t work for women ever again. I don’t think I have ever met a female employer that I latched on to immediately or had a really good relationship with in the end. I think that as black females (I am speaking as a black woman) in the corporate or business world suffer with the worst case of crab-in-a-barrel syndrome I have ever seen. They are not happy with being a black female success story. There is a desire to be the only black female with an epic success story to tell. I was at a party the other day and I was blessed to be in the presences of black women and men from different professional fields that all came together to discuss the educational system in Newark and the surrounding urban communities and celebrate the past years accomplishments in getting some parties to cooperate. But in the midst of all the festivities a group gathered in front of the fireplace for a deer discussion, abandoning the football game and music to talk about some of their observations. I ventured over after I noticed that many of the people that were once in front of the television had migrated.

When I walked into the room the center of attention was a middle-aged black woman with dreads and acrylics (a contradiction of sorts) and she was talking at length about some of the things that she had noticed at one particular school, and what she had done to solve the problem. Although her storytelling had the group riveted there was something lacking. The focus not only shifted off of the problems and how can we fix it method that the group was focused on, it now became solely about her feats as supermom in the public school system. She stood up, drink in hand and went on and on for about 15 minutes and was all watched and listened. The problem with her story was that it was written and directed by her, starring her and co-starring herself. There were no other characters save for the few nameless individuals that she defeated continuously on behalf of her defenseless children. Every few minutes someone would attempt to get a few words in edgewise and would be batted away while she continued on and on with her story. She was a successful black woman who equated all of urban Newark’s woes to the “system”, the “man” and some grand design that is meant to keep black people down. I am neither for nor am I against that theory. It is just hard to envision an entire race of people conspiring and collaborating to keep me from going to school, getting a job and being happy. Sometimes I think we are own worst enemy.

I have so much more to add but there is just not enough time. Have a good day at work everyone.

TO BE CONTINUED

posted by Onika @ 7:34 AM